I have been doing a lot of healing lately. It turns out, I AM enough, and I will ALWAYS be ok. That is my track record, and I stand by it. It’s so challenging to dive so deep into who you are and why you do the things you do.

I am not sure if I was someone who always made excuses or explanations alllll the time. I know I did some of the time. I only recently recognized that my mother takes zero responsibility for, ummmmm, like ALL THE THINGS. You would think I would pick up on that, but I had so many hangups regarding her(like ANY 40 something human) that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. It’s like when you FINALLY learned the real words to a song and you can never unhear it, esp if the words you had made up were better. I’m not saying this is my mother’s fault. It’s not. However, seeing it in her made me turn the mirror back on myself. I don’t want people to talk about me like they talk about Mom. I want to take things head-on and for fuck’s sake keep it honest. Growing up with so many lies gave me excellent intuition and the drive to say and do the hard things. It also gave me the skills to completely ignore “it” if it’s overwhelming. What is it? It can be anything. Relationships, finances, parenting, anything health related….and on and on.

So I started tugging at that thread of accountability. It turns out that…..It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me. Not in all areas of life–I’m still fire, and my kids say. I just see patterns that I can’t unsee. Those patterns, stuff that I was not addressing, it has been taking a toll. So I am doing the hard things. Let me be clear–I do not want to do these things. I don’t know why I was so excited to be an adult because sometimes it just blows. I don’t want to do, but who will? No one. It’s my life, my choices that got me here and I may be scared of the ramifications for sure. That won’t stop me from working on the repairs. Because my Dad taught me: “what do you do when you’re afraid? you do it anyway.” and that has worked pretty good for most of my adulthood. Here are some more phrases I am now using on the daily:

Don’t put it down, put it away.

Do it now or do it later–either way it has to be done!

Firsties worsties!

The point is that from now on I hold myself accountable and accept responsibility for my dumpster fires. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because it’s the right thing to do even when no one is watching. Once I know better, I can do better. And sitting here today, I definitely know better.