I wrote this a couple weeks ago after a rather sad drive home–it felt like every song reminded me of something we did. And that memory would bring out all the other memories, and those are boxes that I do not often open up in my memory room because even all these years later it just hurts so badly. The senseless loss. For the readers that I don’t know IRL, Martha Ryce was a very good friend of mine in my 20’s and 30’s. She died on 12/26/12, which might not be the official date because she wasn’t found for a couple days. She had previously attempted suicide in October 2012, but her friends were unaware for whatever personal reasons the family chose to keep that knowledge private. She isn’t the first person I know to die by suicide. I hate that. I hate that I have lost so many people to their demons and pain. And yet as a person with pretty severe depression and anxiety I can completely understand how that path might seem like the greener pasture. Life is hard, and sometimes we can’t help but make things more difficult for ourselves.
This is what I needed to say to my friend.
I miss you, friend. I miss talking to you and hearing your stories. I miss going to concerts and clubs with you. You’re always just a thought away lately and I want to apologize for under-appreciating you. I KNOW you knew I loved you dearly and you were BFF status for years. And you are still helping me grow and be more honest. I’m sorry for suggesting that you tell people you’re allergic to alcohol so they would stop hassling you about drinking, but please remember that I saw how RELENTLESS those bros were with you at that club we went to that was near Gianni Versace’s house. You were right, even a harmless lie is still a lie. I just worried about you. I could sense you were a little lost when I visited you in Miami but I was too wrapped up in babies and family and work to follow up. I was a bad, inattentive friend when I can see so clearly all the ways that you were trying to ask for help. And in case I never told you, I want you to know that your most important inspirational trait was to make people feel heard and to ALWAYS find a silver lining. I could use a bit of you in my life right now. I am struggling because I know what I want and I know you would be one of the few cheering me on because that’s just you.
Feel free to keep tabs on me when you get a chance. I’m about to hand off my morals whilst I deal with some sketchy shit to get this dream realized. I so wish you were here to witness–girl, I’m going big or going home. But no matter what I just wanted to say that I think of you so often and still miss you. every. damn. day.