Hello Panic, my old friend.

I have done my best in recent years to be very open about all of my Crazy. I have anxiety, ADHD, and depression that comes and goes. I am a big advocate of better living through chemistry, and while I can’t wait for the day that I live somewhere that I can use more natural herbal remedies, I take my pills every day and hope for the best.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a panic attack. Like, a full-blown can’t breath, can’t focus, sobbing on the bathroom floor panic attack. It happened tonight on my way in to work, starting in the car. At first I thought I just needed a good cry–it was a rough day and sometimes a good cry helps. But I couldn’t stop. I walked in to work with sunglasses on, my breath getting more and more shallow, a heaviness on my chest like someone dropped a big fucking rock on me. The closer I got to my office, the harder it was to “act normal” until I walked in dropped my bag and ran to the bathroom because I couldn’t keep it at bay anymore. Even now, hours later, I can feel it lurking–a heaviness in my chest that is just waiting to come back after my emergency meds wear off

These are days when I know someone out there is looking out for me….I was trying to write about it, but it’s such a spiral that I was just getting caught up in my own shit again and starting to lose it and a friend just happened to come into our work area. I won’t lie–when I cry there is NO WAY to hide it, it’s not a pretty sight. And yet without questions or judgement he said I looked like I needed a hug. Never have truer words been spoken. It was exactly what I needed in that moment–someone to tell me it’s going to be ok and just let me be hot mess. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that one act of kindness.

Tomorrow I will pick myself up and start again. Today I am allowed to cry and have all the feelings before they get shoved deep down where no one will see them. Tomorrow I’ll start writing about what started this whole shitshow in the first place, but today I’m allowing myself the space to do what I need to do—cry, yell, throw things(not AT people), or whatever–so that tomorrow is a new fresh start.

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