Competitive.

Can a person be too competitive? I always have been competitive, many times to my detriment, but I am learning to control it and make it work for me rather than against me.

It’s difficult and frustrating, but it feels right. I’ve been setting intentions for a few months and I can tell I’m so close to several goals. I equally hate and love that it was Barb who kicked me into the final stage of adulting. I would rather be a hot mess and have her here than where I am headed. It’s been a rough 14mos, and there are days that I want to be sad. I think today was my gramma’s bday—I know, awful that I can’t remember. So that adds to the sadness. But it’s a full moon, so sadness can eff off—I gots shite to do!

That brings me to being competitive. Not the healthy kind, the kind in your head that compares and contrasts allll the things. Not the kind you want. You can speak them out of existence by being honest with who you are. What kind of life you want and how you spend your time. Being KIND with yourself is imperative because you are changing! It’s weird at first, like when I put in my new Byte aligners and my teeth being just a little different than my whole life. My anxiety in the past would lead me to constant concerns over any changes. I need to be in control of them, even if that makes absolutely no sense. I have found, by releasing my expectations, everything starts to morph. Before long, your expectations are open and the universe shows the way.

Recently I had a conversation that opened my eyes about a fallout with my brother a couple decades ago. In that moment I expanded my thinking so I could see his side. I immediately felt a rush of empathy that was near overwhelming. I had only ever thought about it in terms of that one incident. Now I filter it through our history, and what I am left with is a whole new outlook on something I had assumed was fairly permanent in life. If I can change that, what else am I capable of?

Nowadays I channel it into this second act I’m heading for. Just doing this little bit of writing each day motivates me to do more. It’s how I hold myself accountable for my time. It has changed everything about WFH. I’m getting back to the girl who knew where she belonged as soon as I saw the ATL night skyline. It feels good to get her back…I never realized how lost she was. I’m so thankful that Barb is the one helping me, even as a guardian angel. ❤️

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