Thank you, John Lennon

Everything will be ok in the end.  If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

-John Lennon

If there is any quote I should have tattooed on me to see every single day, it’s that one. It boils down to having faith that you are on the right path.  The hard part is finding that path in the first place. Or, realizing that the path is splitting and you have to choose.  The older I get, the more splits appear in my path as I dig deep to figure out what kind of human I am.  Sometimes the splits work themselves out–such as when I finally resigned myself to how unhappy my job was making me, and within a couple weeks I found a new job.  After just a few weeks all the stress I’d been lugging around in my emotional baggage was gone.  The new job is fantastic.  I work with amazing people in a very chill environment.  I realized I was unhappy and changed my situation.  I chose the right path.  It’s scary though–to step away from the familiar and take steps into the unknown. I can’t say I wish I’d done it years ago, because I don’t.  I had to have those experiences to help shape who I am.  But 18yrs was plenty long, and I’m not the same chick I was 18yrs ago.  Hell, I’m not the same chick I was 6 MONTHS ago!

One area I have been struggling with is figuring out how to merge motherhood with newly discovered dreams and ambitions.  They are getting older, and I’m not getting any younger.  I’ve never been a helicopter parent. That is strictly a statement, not a judgement.  If anything, I applaud the HPs who live and breathe through their children. But that’s not me.  Not now, not ever.  This isn’t because I love them less than myself, it’s just how I’m built.  Those who know me from “way back when” can attest to my consistent desire to do my own thing. Is it fair to them if I do my own thing now?  What I keep coming back to is a conversation I had with my son shortly after my trip to Scotland.  He asked me if I was happy.  “Of course!! I’m hanging out with you–how can I not be happy?”  He said that most of the time he can tell that I’m sad.  I love my little empath who is tapping in on feelings that I thought I was doing a good job to keep under wraps.

When my husband was laid off a few years back I did a lot of research on figuring out what you’re good at, what makes you happy, and how to manifest the necessary changes to transform your life.  I made lists, collected quotes, thought about what I’d done in the past that brought me joy and why.  Now when my path splits, I see which side aligns most with who I am inside–the woman I’m supposed to be rather than what I have been pigeon-holed into.  It is hard AF though, because of the constant judgement from, um, everyfreakingbody.  Learning to give zero fucks about the opinion of others has been the most beneficial, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I still struggle with it in the in-between moments.

And that’s where I am with that.

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