The last few years have been a journey. The most important thing I’ve learned is doing the Hard Things. I don’t like doing Hard Things. I do them anyway. The more I lean into my core, the easier they become. If the thought of doing something makes me uncomfortable, I know it’s important. Listening to my body is easier now that I am not a daily drinker. I’m not trying to be sober, y’all, I’m just treating cocktails as a treat instead of a meal.
It’s been a little over a year since I stopped the daily drinking. Admittedly my health was the main cause–having wine will now have me breaking out in sweat within minutes and makes me nauseous, messing with my blood sugar. I miss wine, but at the same time I don’t. I get home in the afternoon and let my crazy OCD take off on a new project instead of downing the drinks to make me feel numb. Life is so much better with all the feels.
I started listening to Untamed, by Glennon Doyle yesterday. I still have an hour or so left, but I’m already excited to start it again when it’s done. She talks about creating your truest and most beautiful life. I got so excited because THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING!!! I didn’t know that’s what I was doing, but it is. I’m creating a life without shame. Or guilt. Or aggravation. I’m doing things the way I feel they should be. In a way that best serves myself and my children and all the important people in my life.
For many years I let my anger run the show. I was always annoyed. Even when I knew there was no logical reason for it. My body was telling me something, but I’d just have a glass, or bottle, of wine and numb it out. I think I was always angry that I didn’t have the kind of relationships that served me. I created a life that was pretty on FB, but lacking in something I can’t quite find the word for. I didn’t like who I was, so I took it out on myself instead of being a fecking grownup and addressing the problem.
I want to be clear that even though I said it was pretty of FB but lacking–the lacking was in ME. My home life with my family was great when life was humming along quietly. My kids were and continue to be a delight. Then life happened-big and loud, and I handled it so poorly. Yes, there were two of us, but I’m not responsible for his part, I’m responsible for mine. I am thankful that he and I have been able to have a good co-parenting relationship. The truth is that he is a great guy and a fecking amazing father. He’s hilarious and smart and devoted to our children. I appreciate him now more than ever. As time passes our new-normal is becoming more normal. We still do things as a family. Our kids are seeing and feeling how the divorce has had positive effects on all of us. I mean yes, obviously it was awful and heartbreaking, but time heals. I overheard my daughter talking to her bestie, saying how much better her dad and I get along now and how weird it was, but in a good way. Sometimes I forget that they are watching so intently.